peculiar affection

< nikola tesla

In my boyhood I suffered from a peculiar affliction due to the appearance of images, often
accompanied by strong flashes of light, which marred the sight of real objects and
interfered with my thoughts and action. They were pictures of things and scenes
which i had really seen, never of those imagined. When a word was spoken to me
the image of the object it designated would present itself vividly to my vision and
sometimes I was quite unable to distinguish weather what I saw was tangible or not.
This caused me great discomfort and anxiety. None of the students of psychology or
physiology whom i have consulted, could ever explain satisfactorily these
phenomenon. They seem to have been unique although I was probably predisposed
as I know that my brother experienced a similar trouble. The theory I have
formulated is that the images were the result of a reflex action from the brain on the
retina under great excitation. They certainly were not hallucinations such as are
produced in diseased and anguished minds, for in other respects i was normal and
composed. To give an idea of my distress, suppose that I had witnessed a funeral or
some such nerve-wracking spectacle. The, inevitably, in the stillness of night, a
vivid picture of the scene would thrust itself before my eyes and persist despite all
my efforts to banish it. If my explanation is correct, it should be possible to project
on a screen the image of any object one conceives and make it visible. Such an
advance would revolutionise all human relations. I am convinced that this wonder
can and will be accomplished in time to come. I may add that I have devoted much
thought to the solution of the problem.
I have managed to reflect such a picture, which i have seen in my mind, to the mind
of another person, in another room. To free myself of these tormenting appearances,
I tried to concentrate my mind on something else I had seen, and in this way I
would often obtain temporary relief; but in order to get it I had to conjure
continuously new images. It was not long before I found that I had exhausted all of
those at my command; my ”˜reel’ had run out as it were, because I had seen little of
the world ”” only objects in my home and the immediate surroundings. As I
performed these mental operations for the second or third time, in order to chase the
appearances from my vision, the remedy gradually lost all its force. Then I
instinctively commenced to make excursions beyond the limits of the small world
of which I had knowledge, and I saw new scenes. These were at first very blurred
and indistinct, and would flit away when I tried to concentrate my attention upon
them. They gained in strength and distinctness and finally assumed the concreteness of real things. I soon
discovered that my best comfort was attained if I simply went on in my vision
further and further, getting new impressions all the time, and so I began to travel; of
course, in my mind. Every night, (and sometimes during the day), when alone, I
would start on my journeys ”” see new places, cities and countries; live there, meet
people and make friendships and acquaintances and, however unbelievable, it is a
fact that they were just as dear to me as those in actual life, and not a bit less intense
in their manifestations.
This I did constantly until I was about seventeen, when my thoughts turned
seriously to invention. Then I observed to my delight that i could visualise with the
greatest facility. I needed no models, drawings or experiments. I could picture them
all as real in my mind. Thus I have been led unconsciously to evolve what I
consider a new method of materialising inventive concepts and ideas, which is
radially opposite to the purely experimental and is in my opinion ever so much
more expeditious and efficient.
The moment one constructs a device to carry into practice a crude idea, he finds
himself unavoidably engrossed with the details of the apparatus. As he goes on
improving and reconstructing, his force of concentration diminishes and he loses
sight of the great underlying principle. Results may be obtained, but always at the
sacrifice of quality. My method is different. I do not rush into actual work. When I
get an idea, I start at once building it up in my imagination. I change the
construction, make improvements and operate the device in my mind. It is
absolutely immaterial to me whether I run my turbine in thought or test it in my
shop. I even note if it is out of balance. There is no difference whatever; the results
are the same. In this way I am able to rapidly develop and perfect a conception
without touching anything. When I have gone so far as to embody in the invention
every possible improvement I can think of and see no fault anywhere, I put into
concrete form this final product of my brain. Invariably my device works as I
conceived that it should, and the experiment comes out exactly as I planned it. In
twenty years there has not been a single exception. Why should it be otherwise?
Engineering, electrical and mechanical, is positive in results. There is scarcely a
subject that cannot be examined beforehand, from the available theoretical and
practical data. The carrying out into practice of a crude idea as is being generally
done, is, I hold, nothing but a waste of energy, money, and time.
My early affliction had however, another compensation. The incessant mental
exertion developed my powers of observation and enabled me to discover a truth of
great importance. I had noted that the appearance of images was always preceded
by actual vision of scenes under peculiar and generally very exceptional conditions,
and I was impelled on each occasion to locate the original impulse. After a while
this effort grew to be almost automatic and I gained great facility in connecting
cause and effect. Soon I became aware, to my surprise, that every thought I
conceived was suggested by an external impression. Not only this but all my actions
were prompted in a similar way. In the course of time it became perfectly evident to
me that I was merely an automation endowed with power OF MOVEMENT
RESPONDING TO THE STIMULI OF THE SENSE ORGANS AND THINKING
AND ACTING ACCORDINGLY. The practical result of this was the art of
teleautomatics which has been so far carried out only in an imperfect manner. Its
latent possibilities will, however be eventually shown. I have been years planning
self-controlled automata and believe that mechanisms can be produced which will
act as if possessed of reason, to a limited degree, and will create a revolution in
many commercial and industrial departments. I was about twelve years of age when
I first succeeded in banishing an image from my vision by wilful effort, but I never
had any control over the flashes of light to which I have referred. They were, perhaps,
my strangest and most inexplicable experience. They usually occurred when I found myself
in a dangerous or distressing situations or when i was greatly exhilarated.
In some instances i have seen all the air around me filled with tongues of living flame.
Their intensity, instead of diminishing, increased with time and seemingly attained a maximum
when I was about twenty-five years old.
While in Paris in 1883, a prominent French manufacturer sent me an invitation to a
shooting expedition which I accepted. I had been long confined to the factory and
the fresh air had a wonderfully invigorating effect on me. On my return to the city
that night, I felt a positive sensation that my brain had caught fire. I was a light as
though a small sun was located in it and I passed the whole night applying cold
compressions to my tortured head. Finally the flashes diminished in frequency and
force but it took more than three weeks before they wholly subsided. When a
second invitation was extended to me, my answer was an emphatic NO!
These luminous phenomena still manifest themselves from time to time, as when a
new idea opening up possibilities strikes me, but they are no longer exciting, being
of relatively small intensity. When I close my eyes I invariably observe first, a
background of very dark and uniform blue, not unlike the sky on a clear but starless
night. In a few seconds this field becomes animated with innumerable scintillating
flakes of green, arranged in several layers and advancing towards me. Then there
appears, to the right, a beautiful pattern of two systems of parallel and closely
spaced lines, at right angles to one another, in all sorts of colours with yellow,
green, and gold predominating. Immediately thereafter, the lines grow brighter and
the whole is thickly sprinkled with dots of twinkling light. This picture moves
slowly across the field of vision and in about ten seconds vanishes on the left,
leaving behind a ground of rather unpleasant and inert grey until the second phase is
reached. Every time, before falling asleep, images of persons or objects flit before
my view. When I see them I know I am about to lose consciousness. If they are
absent and refuse to come, it means a sleepless night.

in My Inventions (an autobiography) (1919)

< nikola tesla

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